Home » Vichorse Forum » General - Off Topic » Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow?
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2573320 is a reply to message #2572628 ] |
Sat, 18 February 2012 23:43   |
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Dusty_Girl 
Messages: 2777
Registered: March 2009 |
Troppo. Loco. Round the twist. |
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| Glenda wrote on Sat, 18 February 2012 09:22 |
| Another2ndlogin wrote on Sat, 18 February 2012 08:38 |
No trick question, and certainly no hoo haa intended! This is actually happening to me with a man I have been with for 7 years and am married to.
I am in no way a crazy jealous person, but given the past, there se certainly some trust issues which he seems quite unwilling to work on, despite all promises to do so in the past. Just recently he has come to the conclusion that my issues with this other woman are delusional and that I needed to see a counsellor to sort myself out. So off I toddled to the counsellor, as I needed to get some clarity in the situation. At no time did he suggest that I was delusional nor that this behavior was appropriate.
Needless to say when I came home and OH requested to know how the session went, and what was said, I told him. To me, that this behavior was unacceptable to me, and that whilst he could do whatever he wanted, if he is going to continue this one on one relationship with this woman, I wasn't going to hang around to see the end result. He now thinks I am controlling, and not letting him have friends. Far from the truth!!! Given he cheated on me in the past, and with someone from work, I am not comfortable with him going out to dinner or the movies alone with her. She wanted to make dessert and come to watch DVDs with my man, in my house, when I'm away at work... And I had not even met her then....
To me, it seems odd. I can't work out why she is wanting to spend time alone with another man when she has her own fiancé. I can't work out why mine puts up with all her crap, as he's always in trouble from her. And I know I'd never put my partner in that kind of situation either.....
I'm not saying boys and girls can't be friends, they can. Many of my best mates have been boys over the years. I just don't feel that it would be appropriate for me to be hanging out alone with them once you are in a relationship. Naturally there are exceptions to the rule, but just speaking generally. And to add to that, any of my male friends would be absolutely rapped to meet my OH and happy to involve him too!
OH believes it is completely normal, and gave examples of other people who are in this situation. I gave his full permission to go find himself on of those girls!
Anyway, the point of this topic was just to see what other people thought within their own relationships, and the varying levels of trust they have within. Just checking if I really am a crazy controlling lady, or if my concerns are deemed legitimate by others outside of the relationship.
I have no doubt he'll read this to, as he likes to snoop through the forum. So much so, I should have posted in my real name... But hey, the mods will know who I am and hopefully keep my little secret!!!!!
Thank you to those who offered input - much appreciated!
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because she is a good root and now she manipulates him just like she is her fiancée.....
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Oh fark me... Why don't you tell them what you REALLY think Glenda? Don't hold back to spare their feelings 
(P.S does anyone know the best method to clean James Boags from a keyboard and computer screen?)..
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2573345 is a reply to message #2573339 ] |
Sun, 19 February 2012 01:55 |
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 gizmo
Messages: 3432
Registered: October 2005
Location: Yarra Valley VIC |
Unstoppable, ungaggable, unzippable |
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| FCEH wrote on Sun, 19 February 2012 00:58 |
Gosh, I've always said to my OH, if he picked up a stray for a one nighter I'd forgive him if he came clean BUT if I ever found out he was taking a girl out to the movies or sharing dinner then he would be history!
A once off 'sexual dalliance' is different and happens to god knows what huge percentage of couples but the closeness and sharing of talk at dinner or the intimacy of sititng close at the movies would really make me feel betrayed.
Sex is only a physical drive for a lot of men but romance and intimacy should be reserved for you, the wife....
AND BTW there are plenty of places to have a nookie at most workplaces! Office dunnies, the bosses desk while he is out, in the car at lunchtime.. plenty of people indulge in it cos they get off on the riskiness of it!
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Just as classy as the skanks and pricks that are doing it. 
[Updated on: Sun, 19 February 2012 01:55]
I can't...I have horseriding
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2583141 is a reply to message #2572242 ] |
Wed, 29 February 2012 23:46 |
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I'd be kicking that prick to the curb. He has no respect for you at all. If he did, he wouldnt be treating you like that. Need a hitman?? No seriously... I hope he comes clean in this letter, so you can move on.
No partnership treats their other half like that unless something dodgey is going on.
Do you have any kids??
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2589059 is a reply to message #2588996 ] |
Wed, 07 March 2012 11:48 |
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It is pretty common to have a 'work spouse' but it sounds like this 'couple' don't know where the boundaries are.
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2590051 is a reply to message #2572242 ] |
Thu, 08 March 2012 11:06 |
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LexiEH
Messages: 852
Registered: February 2008
Location: SEDC |
Level 1 - Advanced |
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Reading all your posts, I'd get out.
However i know its not as easy as that. He sounds kind of like my ex (minus the cheating), he is very controlling, he seems to make you feel bad about yourself to make what he does appear like its normal and your the one with the problem... its unhealthy! I found it hard to leave, even though i knew deep down it was the right thing.
2 years ago now I walked away from my 6 year relationship, the first 2 months were hard, but by the 3rd month i felt like a whole new person, it was the best decision I ever made. Can't even begin to tell you what an enormous weight it is off your shoulders, walking away from someone who manipulates and makes you feel bad about yourself, even though there the one doing the wrong thing.
I now have a wonderful new boyfriend  and I am the happiest I have ever been.
Do what your gut instinct tells you to do, not your heart. As generally your gut instinct is the correct one! If it were me, I'd walk away. They never change... and you have it even worse considering there is another woman to the equation causing this behaviour..
Hope your ok!
[Updated on: Thu, 08 March 2012 11:08]
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2590619 is a reply to message #2590051 ] |
Thu, 08 March 2012 19:46 |
Another2ndlogin
Messages: 9
Registered: February 2012 |
Level 5 |
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Thank you all... It really is helpful to read outsiders opinions and thoughts....
We have been to couples counselling a few times now. We are communicating a little more but it seems he is insistent on keeping this relationship with the other girl, citing that he doesn't want to be controlled and that it shouldn't make any difference if she is a boy or girl.
I guess the reason I am so against her is that I have been able to see comments and discussions they have had on Facebook etc... And she has made well clear numerous times that she doesn't think he and I should have gotten back together after a trauma like cheating, as it's her opinion you can never recover from things like that..... She has also made awful comments like " if you two don't trust each other as far as you can spit" .... And made abundantly clear she thinks it's stupid she has to make friends with me also to be friends with oh. Lastly, I have actually met her, we all went out for dinner with her and her fiancé..... Like I said, he was normal, but she was horrid.... At one point she was saying that she thought it was mean our dog sleeps outside, and I responded "don't your horses live outside" and got an immediate " I don't have any horses" which resulted in shock all around, even from her fiancé.... She may have not ridden for years, but does actually still have two horses at her parents.... It was as though she was adamant that we would have nothing in common....
I know it sounds stupid, but I really don't think he is, or ever will, physically cheat on me with her, and she has made very clear how against cheating she is too.... But I do feel he is emotionally cheating, talking to her about our problems etc etc....
I also feel he is not actually even giving me the respect of considering my concerns properly... Yes, I probably need to back off with the survey lance of Facebook etc.... But hey, every time I have checked I've caught him out doing something he shouldn't....
At our counselling session today, I told him that in my heart of hearts, I really don't think I can ever be in a relationship with him if he is going to continue with such a close friendship with this other girl.... He does have ther female mates that I don't have a problem with, but none of them this possessive, or interfering like she is...
Anyway, apparently he says she has seen the error of her ways and he Invitedher out to coffee with us after an argument where isidif she were normal and this friendship were normal she would want to do normal things like come over for a coffee. Without telling me he went to work that night and passed on an invitation. I then got a Facebook MSG from her saying thanks for the invite, did you want us all to go out or just you and me. I have politely replied its a busy week so perhaps next week, and I'll get back to her. Asked oh was he going to tell me he was inviting her out on my behalf.... He turned that on me too, not being ale to see how awkward this is now for me... She has made well clear she does not wish to get to know me, that she would only do so to be able to be close to him blah blah blah... She says he is one of her best friends...
Sorry to ramble, I just want to make sure it's a fair and accurate picture of the situation I am giving....
I am going to meet up with her alone and talk to her about my concerns and why I am not comfortable with them being so close, hoping that girl to girl she may be able to see my pout of view, but I doubt it...
Is it wrong for me to be so upset about this though.. I just feel like he is always standing up for her, and fighting for his friendship with her, but not standing up for me ( whe she has been rude etc) or fighting for us... He is going to counselling and today the counsellor was asking about patterns of behavior and asking oh to examine his...
I just don't feel that I am capable of being in a relationship where I am expected to make room for another woman... And sex or no sex with this me, I just feel that there has always been anther woman present.....
I suppose I am worried that I will always be fighting an uphill battle to be his only girl, and I feel in my own morals that this just isn't right.......
Doesn't make it easy though, because I do love him, he can be a great guy and there are lots of ther good parts about our relationship too....
Arghhhhhhhhhhh
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2590718 is a reply to message #2590686 ] |
Thu, 08 March 2012 21:17 |
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| Bellasmum wrote on Thu, 08 March 2012 20:38 |
You SHOULD NOT under any circumstances be meeting with her. You can't even deal with this issue with your partner, let alone dealing with it with the person you believe threatens your relationship.
Why can't women learn a bit of dignity and self respect when it comes to these sorts of things. Keep your mouth shut to her or about her to anyone except your partner. Deal with the issues you have in your relationship - she's a symptom, not the cause.
And I hope he has another job lined up if you decide to meet her because you could just make his position at work impossible.
I don't know why you keep making excuses for both of them really - they discuss you, they disrespect you and they are enjoying every minute of it
Get out, and don't look back
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AMEN 
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2599459 is a reply to message #2572242 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 13:18 |
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they sound shifty to me, trying to make you all love each other so your suspicions are taken away.
Tell them both to fark off
plenty of fish in the sea
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2599565 is a reply to message #2572242 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 14:50 |
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If my other half ever cheats on me, one night stand, what ever excuse, it is over!!
I wont put up with that crap, there is a never a valid reason for cheating! NEVER!!
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2599844 is a reply to message #2599565 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 20:16 |
Another2ndlogin
Messages: 9
Registered: February 2012 |
Level 5 |
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Well, thank you for asking...
No I have not gone out to coffee with the girl. I sent her a polite message saying that I hadn't realized oh had gone to work and asked her, and that I was very busy right now with a course at work, once that was over I would get in touch.
Oh just cannot seem to understand what a big ask that is of me, after she was so horrid to me in front of him last time we met up.... And yes, only because I did read his Facebook do I know how she really feels about our relationship etc... But hey, even if I didn't know, he shouldnt be putting up with that or wanting someone like that as a friend.... That and the way she cracks it with hi. Every 5 mins, is so possessive and controlling and he just can't see it....
Have since been to a counselling session by myself with someone else through work, this person was very good in helping me identify what the real issue is. And I was able to ascertain that I will just not be comfortable having to share him having an intimate friendship with another girl.
Counsellor basically told him that he may need to see someone else as hes just not taking in what the counsellor says. His words were along the lines of, "I'm telling you thisis not healthy, your wife is telling you this is not healthy, how many counsellers do you need me to get in here to tell you the same thing? The only treatment that I can give you that is any different is the 4x2 type...."
Oh responded that he'd like to make a list with what he wants and return, so I am waiting for him to make that appointment, he's certainly doing a very good job at drawing this out.
I believe he thinks that if he has to give up her as a friend, then I will have t do x y and z in return. And it's not that I am not willing to give, make changes or compromise, but I have told him that he needs to make the change because he wants to, not as a trade off if he is still thinking that my issue with it is "controlling", because if he doesn't want to make the change, then he'll either just keep doing it andtryto hide it,or he'll resent me for having made him do something he can see no error with.
The counsellor has asked him to look at his behavior patterns ( and hey started well before we got together ) and his fathers who's are similar, but he refuses to do so....
As each day goes by and this drags on and on, with us I. Separate bedrooms (7 weeks now) I feel like we are falling further and further apart anyway.
Right now is a very important time in my career, I have had a promotion with a significant pay rise, but have to pass a course that requires lots of study and hard work over the next 6 weeks... About 70% of people fail first time through, all break down at sme point in tears due to the stress, so I am putting my effort into that at the minute anyway..... Also 5am wake ups, so need to look after myself with plenty of rest and whatnot.....
I honestly don't have an issue with boys and girls being mates, but in a committed relatio ship I just don't think this is right.... I really feel that if I let this go, not only will it drive me insane, but that there is always just going to be an issue with another woman.... I just don't want my man chatting in the phone to another woman for hours after work and going out alone to intimate date like activities, and that is the friendship they want to be able to have.
I also really feel like he is just not capable of seeing things from my point of view as well as his own, and fairly trying to find a middle ground....
So anyway, that's the update as it stands right now.......
[Updated on: Mon, 19 March 2012 20:19]
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2599953 is a reply to message #2599844 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 21:44 |
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| Another2ndlogin wrote on Mon, 19 March 2012 20:16 |
Well, thank you for asking...
No I have not gone out to coffee with the girl. I sent her a polite message saying that I hadn't realized oh had gone to work and asked her, and that I was very busy right now with a course at work, once that was over I would get in touch.
Oh just cannot seem to understand what a big ask that is of me, after she was so horrid to me in front of him last time we met up.... And yes, only because I did read his Facebook do I know how she really feels about our relationship etc... But hey, even if I didn't know, he shouldnt be putting up with that or wanting someone like that as a friend.... That and the way she cracks it with hi. Every 5 mins, is so possessive and controlling and he just can't see it....
Have since been to a counselling session by myself with someone else through work, this person was very good in helping me identify what the real issue is. And I was able to ascertain that I will just not be comfortable having to share him having an intimate friendship with another girl.
Counsellor basically told him that he may need to see someone else as hes just not taking in what the counsellor says. His words were along the lines of, "I'm telling you thisis not healthy, your wife is telling you this is not healthy, how many counsellers do you need me to get in here to tell you the same thing? The only treatment that I can give you that is any different is the 4x2 type...."
Oh responded that he'd like to make a list with what he wants and return, so I am waiting for him to make that appointment, he's certainly doing a very good job at drawing this out.
I believe he thinks that if he has to give up her as a friend, then I will have t do x y and z in return. And it's not that I am not willing to give, make changes or compromise, but I have told him that he needs to make the change because he wants to, not as a trade off if he is still thinking that my issue with it is "controlling", because if he doesn't want to make the change, then he'll either just keep doing it andtryto hide it,or he'll resent me for having made him do something he can see no error with.
The counsellor has asked him to look at his behavior patterns ( and hey started well before we got together ) and his fathers who's are similar, but he refuses to do so....
As each day goes by and this drags on and on, with us I. Separate bedrooms (7 weeks now) I feel like we are falling further and further apart anyway.
Right now is a very important time in my career, I have had a promotion with a significant pay rise, but have to pass a course that requires lots of study and hard work over the next 6 weeks... About 70% of people fail first time through, all break down at sme point in tears due to the stress, so I am putting my effort into that at the minute anyway..... Also 5am wake ups, so need to look after myself with plenty of rest and whatnot.....
I honestly don't have an issue with boys and girls being mates, but in a committed relatio ship I just don't think this is right.... I really feel that if I let this go, not only will it drive me insane, but that there is always just going to be an issue with another woman.... I just don't want my man chatting in the phone to another woman for hours after work and going out alone to intimate date like activities, and that is the friendship they want to be able to have.
I also really feel like he is just not capable of seeing things from my point of view as well as his own, and fairly trying to find a middle ground....
So anyway, that's the update as it stands right now.......
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That is an affair. Is he asking you to allow him to have a mistress?
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2599998 is a reply to message #2599953 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 22:22 |
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I'm sorry you are still going through this. I really think you need to walk away. What a selfish, spolit child he seems to be.
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| Re: Yeah yeah yeah - ANOTHER relationship topic - what would you allow? [message #2600030 is a reply to message #2599998 ] |
Mon, 19 March 2012 23:00 |
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By setting up that coffee date for you he was actually manipulating you into accepting her as a normal part of your (and his) life... but its not quite the same as: oh.. have a cuppa with mum or my sister, theyre in town today..
A meeting you could not decline without putting you in an embarrassing situation - and it seemed quite awkward for you to do so.. he is one out of the box alright, knows all the tricks
Horsin' around
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