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Friends With Depression [message #2656429] Tue, 22 May 2012 10:15 Go to next message
SoManySecrets  
Messages: 5
Registered: May 2012
Level 5
I'm a regular poster on this forum but I've chosen to remain anonymous for this particular topic because I do not want to be identified and from that have my friend identified.

Basically I'm in need of advice. I'm 99% sure my best friend has depression and I'm a little bit lost as to what my role is at the moment. I've encouraged her to seek professional help and even offered to take her but her response to all my suggestions is "Nothing is going to make this better." She has been unhappy for a significant part of this year but it is the past few weeks that things have really started to spiral out of control. I can't even remember the last time she smiled or laughed. She isn't sleeping properly and spends a lot of time crying. The thing that scares me the most is that I think she might hurt herself. I have been making sure I contact her every single day to check on how she's going and I'm doing my absolute best to be positive and encourage her to stay strong but for every positive I try to show her she throws twice as many negatives back at me. I'm constantly reminding her that I am always here for her and she can come to me about anything but it's just not enough.

I've never had depression before so as hard as I try I don't know what she's going through at the moment. I guess what I'd like to know is for those who have or have had depression before what did you want and need your friends to do for you? And for those who have a loved one with depression how did you help them? I just don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing by checking up on her and encouraging her to get help when she might not want my help at all. I'm open to any suggestions whatsoever so please give me all your advice and opinions.

I will do anything to bring my friend back Sad



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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656476 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 11:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  Bellasmum  
Messages: 41524
Registered: November 2005
You know what you are doing.
What is the friends circumstances? Young ? Employed ? Relationship ? Children ? Financial problems ? Family support ?

And what do you believe is causing her to be so depressed ?

Meryl - (but you can call me Marion)
Authorised member of the “ph Club”
Certificate MAC3475

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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656490 is a reply to message #2656476 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 11:13 Go to previous messageGo to next message
SoManySecrets  
Messages: 5
Registered: May 2012
Level 5
Bellasmum wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 11:01

What is the friends circumstances? Young ? Employed ? Relationship ? Children ? Financial problems ? Family support ?

And what do you believe is causing her to be so depressed ?


She is young, works full time and lives at home with her parents. Her parents have no idea what is going on and at this stage she doesn't want to tell them. She seems to have this mentality that she will just "deal with it herself". The very foremost cause of her depression is a relationship breakdown but at the same time she has had difficulties with her riding (injury and not meeting personal expectations) and as horses are her outlet then having things go wrong in that aspect of her life just made things even harder. She is very very hard on herself and has always blamed herself when things go wrong but especially now she seems to believe that every time something goes wrong it is because she is a bad person and this is her deserved punishment Sad
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656525 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 11:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  pommiefox  
Messages: 410
Registered: June 2008
Level 1
SoManySecrets wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 10:15

I'm a regular poster on this forum but I've chosen to remain anonymous for this particular topic because I do not want to be identified and from that have my friend identified.

Basically I'm in need of advice. I'm 99% sure my best friend has depression and I'm a little bit lost as to what my role is at the moment. I've encouraged her to seek professional help and even offered to take her but her response to all my suggestions is "Nothing is going to make this better." She has been unhappy for a significant part of this year but it is the past few weeks that things have really started to spiral out of control. I can't even remember the last time she smiled or laughed. She isn't sleeping properly and spends a lot of time crying. The thing that scares me the most is that I think she might hurt herself. I have been making sure I contact her every single day to check on how she's going and I'm doing my absolute best to be positive and encourage her to stay strong but for every positive I try to show her she throws twice as many negatives back at me. I'm constantly reminding her that I am always here for her and she can come to me about anything but it's just not enough.

I've never had depression before so as hard as I try I don't know what she's going through at the moment. I guess what I'd like to know is for those who have or have had depression before what did you want and need your friends to do for you? And for those who have a loved one with depression how did you help them? I just don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing by checking up on her and encouraging her to get help when she might not want my help at all. I'm open to any suggestions whatsoever so please give me all your advice and opinions.

I will do anything to bring my friend back Sad





This can be a really hard situation for you to deal with. The negative feedback that you are getting from your friend is sadly the depression its self talking.

If you are worried that she is a danger to herself, you really need to get her to a GP as soon as you can.Have you tried to sit down with your friend and have a 'serious' chat?

Does your friend have another friend or relative whos opinion they value? Perhaps it may be time to get them invloved.

There is a wonderfull website/forum called depression fallout.Its aimed at partners, but you would also find heaps of usefull info.

Best of luck, hang in there Smile

The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed." Martina Navratilova
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656554 is a reply to message #2656490 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 12:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  megs is currently offline megs  
Messages: 4651
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Location: PADARC
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SoManySecrets wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 11:13

Bellasmum wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 11:01

What is the friends circumstances? Young ? Employed ? Relationship ? Children ? Financial problems ? Family support ?

And what do you believe is causing her to be so depressed ?


She is young, works full time and lives at home with her parents. Her parents have no idea what is going on and at this stage she doesn't want to tell them. She seems to have this mentality that she will just "deal with it herself". The very foremost cause of her depression is a relationship breakdown but at the same time she has had difficulties with her riding (injury and not meeting personal expectations) and as horses are her outlet then having things go wrong in that aspect of her life just made things even harder. She is very very hard on herself and has always blamed herself when things go wrong but especially now she seems to believe that every time something goes wrong it is because she is a bad person and this is her deserved punishment Sad

Sounds like her parents need to be told, good luck!
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656564 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 12:22 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  Stockhorse  
Messages: 1124
Registered: February 2012
Level 1 - Advanced
If you are seriously worried about her harming herself i think you do need to talk to her parents. Do you know them well enough to talk to them so they can keep an eye on her without it becoming a confrontation? They may not know because she is acting as if nothing is wrong in front of them.

I had serious depression in my teens and my parents had no idea until i tried to harm myself. I am very glad now that i didn't succeed although it took me a long time to get better and acknowledge it.

I know she has asked you not to tell, but going from experience when you are depressed you are usually not thinking rationally. You may be able to function and fool alot of people into thinking things are not that bad, you can even fool yourself with that until you hit rockbottom.

I honestly don't know if you are better being upfront to her about telling her parents or if you and they decide to keep that from her until she if feeling better so she feels she can still talk to you without it getting back to them. That is something you will have to decide for yourself and there are pros and cons both ways.

Please please tell someone in her life, if not parents then a relative because prevention is always better than trying to pick up the pieces afterwards and i know from experience her family and you will be devastated if anything happens.
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656565 is a reply to message #2656525 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 12:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
SoManySecrets  
Messages: 5
Registered: May 2012
Level 5
pommiefox wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 11:49

SoManySecrets wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 10:15

I'm a regular poster on this forum but I've chosen to remain anonymous for this particular topic because I do not want to be identified and from that have my friend identified.

Basically I'm in need of advice. I'm 99% sure my best friend has depression and I'm a little bit lost as to what my role is at the moment. I've encouraged her to seek professional help and even offered to take her but her response to all my suggestions is "Nothing is going to make this better." She has been unhappy for a significant part of this year but it is the past few weeks that things have really started to spiral out of control. I can't even remember the last time she smiled or laughed. She isn't sleeping properly and spends a lot of time crying. The thing that scares me the most is that I think she might hurt herself. I have been making sure I contact her every single day to check on how she's going and I'm doing my absolute best to be positive and encourage her to stay strong but for every positive I try to show her she throws twice as many negatives back at me. I'm constantly reminding her that I am always here for her and she can come to me about anything but it's just not enough.

I've never had depression before so as hard as I try I don't know what she's going through at the moment. I guess what I'd like to know is for those who have or have had depression before what did you want and need your friends to do for you? And for those who have a loved one with depression how did you help them? I just don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing by checking up on her and encouraging her to get help when she might not want my help at all. I'm open to any suggestions whatsoever so please give me all your advice and opinions.

I will do anything to bring my friend back Sad





This can be a really hard situation for you to deal with. The negative feedback that you are getting from your friend is sadly the depression its self talking.

If you are worried that she is a danger to herself, you really need to get her to a GP as soon as you can.Have you tried to sit down with your friend and have a 'serious' chat?

Does your friend have another friend or relative whos opinion they value? Perhaps it may be time to get them invloved.

There is a wonderfull website/forum called depression fallout.Its aimed at partners, but you would also find heaps of usefull info.

Best of luck, hang in there Smile


This is the part I am particularly worried about Sad I'm trying to push for it but I can't force her to go to a doctor and while I think it will help she adamantly disagrees.

As she works full-time it is hard for me to get face-to-face time with her. Occasionally she will agree to talk to me on the phone but she gets upset very easily. At the moment the very best I have to work with is text messages as I usually get regular replies to these.

I have always been the one she goes to when something is wrong and at this point in time I think I'm lucky that she's even talking to me. She seems pretty reluctant to get anyone else involved and has always felt guilty for "dumping her problems" on me despite my reassurances that I'm here to help. I start to panic when she doesn't come to me because I'm scared she's trying to deal on her own Sad I do understand how it might be beneficial to get other trusted people involved but because she doesn't seem to want it I would feel like I was betraying her trust if I went to her parents for help Sad

Thank you so much for your advice though. I will definitely have a look at that website Smile
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656574 is a reply to message #2656564 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 12:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
SoManySecrets  
Messages: 5
Registered: May 2012
Level 5
Stockhorse wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 12:22

If you are seriously worried about her harming herself i think you do need to talk to her parents. Do you know them well enough to talk to them so they can keep an eye on her without it becoming a confrontation? They may not know because she is acting as if nothing is wrong in front of them.

I had serious depression in my teens and my parents had no idea until i tried to harm myself. I am very glad now that i didn't succeed although it took me a long time to get better and acknowledge it.

I know she has asked you not to tell, but going from experience when you are depressed you are usually not thinking rationally. You may be able to function and fool alot of people into thinking things are not that bad, you can even fool yourself with that until you hit rockbottom.

I honestly don't know if you are better being upfront to her about telling her parents or if you and they decide to keep that from her until she if feeling better so she feels she can still talk to you without it getting back to them. That is something you will have to decide for yourself and there are pros and cons both ways.

Please please tell someone in her life, if not parents then a relative because prevention is always better than trying to pick up the pieces afterwards and i know from experience her family and you will be devastated if anything happens.


I completely agree with everything you've said but it is so so hard finding that balance between being loyal to my friend and getting them the help they need. I would just feel horrible if I were to go to the parents and because of that my friend felt she couldn't trust me anymore. I'm worried she might shut me off completely. At the same time I feel like I'm under so much pressure to watch out for her because nobody else seems to know what's going on and if something terrible were to happen then I would 100% blame myself Sad As someone who has had depression would you be angry at a friend who betrayed your trust to get you the help you need??
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656625 is a reply to message #2656574 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 13:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  Bellasmum  
Messages: 41524
Registered: November 2005
You know what you are doing.
What makes you think she will harm herself ? Seems for the time being she is going off to work and that part of her life is functioning ok - I get that she is upset over a breakup. Maybe she just needs more time to work through it. I believe there are times in everyone's life where they are depressed and can't be bothered with anything or anybody but we move on eventually and things get better as we work through them.

Does she have a history of self harm ?

Edited to add : This is not a post for advocating "man up and move on" as a remedy to depression. Its just that sometimes we are depressed but without intervention or medication are ok

[Updated on: Tue, 22 May 2012 13:56]

Meryl - (but you can call me Marion)
Authorised member of the “ph Club”
Certificate MAC3475

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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656649 is a reply to message #2656625 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 14:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  rachaelw  
Messages: 2592
Registered: July 2008
Location: Lakes Entrance, Victoria
Troppo. Loco. Round the twist.
Bellasmum wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 13:55

What makes you think she will harm herself ? Seems for the time being she is going off to work and that part of her life is functioning ok - I get that she is upset over a breakup. Maybe she just needs more time to work through it. I believe there are times in everyone's life where they are depressed and can't be bothered with anything or anybody but we move on eventually and things get better as we work through them.

Does she have a history of self harm ?

Edited to add : This is not a post for advocating "man up and move on" as a remedy to depression. Its just that sometimes we are depressed but without intervention or medication are ok


like!!

www.lakeviewwarmbloods.com.au
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656782 is a reply to message #2656574 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 17:14 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  Stockhorse  
Messages: 1124
Registered: February 2012
Level 1 - Advanced
SoManySecrets wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 12:34

Stockhorse wrote on Tue, 22 May 2012 12:22

If you are seriously worried about her harming herself i think you do need to talk to her parents. Do you know them well enough to talk to them so they can keep an eye on her without it becoming a confrontation? They may not know because she is acting as if nothing is wrong in front of them.

I had serious depression in my teens and my parents had no idea until i tried to harm myself. I am very glad now that i didn't succeed although it took me a long time to get better and acknowledge it.

I know she has asked you not to tell, but going from experience when you are depressed you are usually not thinking rationally. You may be able to function and fool alot of people into thinking things are not that bad, you can even fool yourself with that until you hit rockbottom.

I honestly don't know if you are better being upfront to her about telling her parents or if you and they decide to keep that from her until she if feeling better so she feels she can still talk to you without it getting back to them. That is something you will have to decide for yourself and there are pros and cons both ways.

Please please tell someone in her life, if not parents then a relative because prevention is always better than trying to pick up the pieces afterwards and i know from experience her family and you will be devastated if anything happens.


I completely agree with everything you've said but it is so so hard finding that balance between being loyal to my friend and getting them the help they need. I would just feel horrible if I were to go to the parents and because of that my friend felt she couldn't trust me anymore. I'm worried she might shut me off completely. At the same time I feel like I'm under so much pressure to watch out for her because nobody else seems to know what's going on and if something terrible were to happen then I would 100% blame myself Sad As someone who has had depression would you be angry at a friend who betrayed your trust to get you the help you need??


Honestly probably at the time i would have been, once i got better then no i would have seen the sense to it. This is why i suggested maybe not letting her know at least initially, unless you can convince her she needs to tell her parents or if she is close to someone else either family or family friend.

I know that may seem dishonest, but if it stops her from harming herself and gets her help she will understand when she feels better. You basically need to know her family will keep this to themselves if you go this route or you tell your friend upfront so she doesn't feel deceived while she is depressed.
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2656960 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Tue, 22 May 2012 20:28 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  English Rose is currently online English Rose  
Messages: 7077
Registered: January 2009
This computer will self destruct in 10 posts
Personally I think if you are worried she may self harm you need to involve her parents now.

You shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself Sad
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2658451 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Thu, 24 May 2012 12:56 Go to previous messageGo to next message
SoManySecrets  
Messages: 5
Registered: May 2012
Level 5
Thank you for those who have replied with advice Smile

At this stage I don't think she is a serious risk of self harm but it's constantly in the back of my mind because she is so easily affected by really quite minor things going wrong. I'm just finding it quite hard to communicate with her at the moment because while she usually replies to my text messages I usually get ignored when I see her in public which is quite hurtful Sad I'm also constantly worried about saying the wrong thing to her Confused Some slightly good news though is she has admitted that she would like to go see a doctor but is still not 100% convinced because she is embarrassed. I'm still working on it....
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2658892 is a reply to message #2656429 ] Thu, 24 May 2012 20:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  Stockhorse  
Messages: 1124
Registered: February 2012
Level 1 - Advanced
Thats fantastic that she is considering a doctor. Make sure you reassure her doctors are confidential and just talking to one is a start. My GP was fantastic when i had depression and went out of his way to find out different options for treatment and referrals to the relevant people.
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2658911 is a reply to message #2658451 ] Thu, 24 May 2012 20:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
  megs is currently offline megs  
Messages: 4651
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Location: PADARC
Step away from the computer,
SoManySecrets wrote on Thu, 24 May 2012 12:56

Thank you for those who have replied with advice Smile

At this stage I don't think she is a serious risk of self harm but it's constantly in the back of my mind because she is so easily affected by really quite minor things going wrong. I'm just finding it quite hard to communicate with her at the moment because while she usually replies to my text messages I usually get ignored when I see her in public which is quite hurtful Sad I'm also constantly worried about saying the wrong thing to her Confused Some slightly good news though is she has admitted that she would like to go see a doctor but is still not 100% convinced because she is embarrassed. I'm still working on it....

Wait..... What the fudge? She ignores you in public?? Shocked

From this extra information she sounds like a drama queen taking advantage of you Sad
Let her sort herself out, or someone she talks to in public Confused
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Re: Friends With Depression [message #2659008 is a reply to message #2658911 ] Thu, 24 May 2012 22:45 Go to previous message
  xxjustsmilexx is currently offline xxjustsmilexx  
Messages: 435
Registered: December 2010
Location: Wolf Pack Eventing Team
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[Updated on: Thu, 24 May 2012 22:45]

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
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